Peace

After we received the cleft diagnosis, new stressful issues never seemed to stop coming. In February, we received the cleft diagnosis. In March, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. In April, we moved to our new home. It was actually our 6th move in 3 years. Let's just say that I am looking forward to not moving again for a while. Then in May, I was going in for twice weekly appointments for non-stress tests due to my preeclampsia. Then there were the appointments to meet with our craniofacial team, and the ENT. My calendar was pretty full. And my anxiety was at an all-time high. To say that I was stressed would be an understatement.

With the cleft diagnosis, we needed to keep Maxine gestating as long as possible to give her the best chance to thrive. Especially since we were expecting feeding issues as a result of the cleft. But my preeclampsia would necessitate an early delivery. Thankfully, we were able to keep my blood pressure under control, and I made it to 38 1/2 weeks before delivering.

With all of the stress in the months leading up to the birth, I was expecting a lot of anxiety the night before our scheduled delivery. My previous 3 deliveries were less than ideal, and for some of them, very traumatic. And with all of the emotions of a cleft diagnosis, I was obviously expecting to experience much more anxiety during this delivery than in previous ones.

Baby #1 was a 29 hour induction turned caesarean section. And then 2 days after the birth, my husband had to leave for a week of training for his new job. That whole week I was in a haze that never really lifted until my husband returned. I am so grateful to my mother-in-law, and my mom staying with me that week.

Baby #2 was a plan B caesarean because I was 42 weeks with exactly zero contractions, and zero dilation. Baby girl showed zero signs of wanting to come out. In hindsight, that was a pretty good indication of the personality my determined little girl would have. The night before delivery was spent pacing, crying, bouncing on my birthing ball, trying anything and everything to go into labor. All to no avail. Since I barely slept the night before, the "Golden Hour" following delivery was a blur. I was falling in and out of consciousness and had my husband do the skin to skin because I felt like I was going to drop the baby.

Baby #3 was probably the most traumatic. I finally went into labor on my own. But an infection had developed in the amniotic sac, and my baby girl was showing signs of infection. It was another caesarean, this time with my baby being whisked off to the NICU. It was almost 3 hours before I could see her. And even then, I was vomiting on the way up to the NICU because of the nausea from my very recent surgery. She was in the NICU for a week. The hardest week of my life. My fellow NICU moms can understand just how hard it was, even just for the 1 week she was there.

With these 3 past deliveries, and especially the most recent one being so traumatic, I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. I requested prayer from a moms group on Facebook. Those wonderful ladies have been there for me for years, and through some of the harder times, like the deliver of baby #3. The night before delivering Maxine was very different from what I was expecting. Instead of the anxiety that had been building for the past few months, I felt peace. While my husband barely slept because of his own worry, I slept. And I slept well. I have no explanation for it. It is beyond all explanation.

We arrived bright and early, just before 6am for pre-op. And then just after 7am, I was taken in to the operating room. Once everything was ready, my husband came in. I remember him remarking that I seemed to be at peace. And I was. And it was not the sheer exhaustion that I experienced with baby #2, or the special cocktail of meds that they give you. I was well-rested and truly at peace. Just 6 minutes after beginning the surgery, I saw my Maxine. After a few minutes of observation and cleaning by the nurse, my baby was placed on my chest for the remainder of the surgery. This never happened with any of my previous caesarean deliveries. Before, I had to wait to hold my babies. Instead, I held my baby and she started nuzzling me and immediately stopped crying. We snuggled while I was being stitched up. It was the absolute best half hour of my life.

It was the most beautiful delivery. The most stressful of pregnancies, ended with my best delivery experience. It was a healing delivery for me. Three previous traumatic deliveries were suddenly behind me, and I no longer felt the pain of disappointed hopes and traumatic experiences. How is this possible? How was my best delivery the one where I delivered my cleftie? Once again, I have no explanation for it. All I know is that we had so many people praying for us. Our church was praying for us. Our families and friends were praying for us. My mom friends on Facebook were praying for us. Complete strangers on my cleft support group were praying for us. And I felt it. I was overwhelmed by such peace as I had never known before. And the part of me that had been struggling ever since that first caesarean section 7 years ago, was healing. Finally healing.

I am crying while I write this. Not because I am hurting. But because I am filled with so much gratitude for my Maxine Joy. She has healed my heart. If only I had known just how amazing her birth would be. If only I had known just how much peace and healing the occasion of her birth would give me. I pray that I will have a better understanding of what trusting God really means. God took a hard diagnosis, and a stressful pregnancy, and turned it into one of the most beautiful experiences that I will cherish forever. I pray that the next time I am faced with something hard, that I will remember my Maxine, and what God did for me.

-Sarah