Brightest Joy

On January 30th, 2019 we found out we were expecting a little girl. We already had one son, and two daughters. We were very excited to add another little one to our family. We had been so sure that it would be another boy, so we picked out the boy names we loved and talked about the girl names only a little bit. But much to our surprise, the envelope contained 2 pink bracelets stating "It's a Girl!". So much for my intuition about gender. In fact, I think that out of our four children, I was correct in my guess only once. I would not recommend taking me to the horse track, or to Las Vegas, because you would be sorely disappointed in my guessing skills.

After the initial shock wore off, we began thinking of girl names again. For some reason, the name we had talked about several months earlier did not seem to fit now. However, we loved the middle name we chose, Joy. It is my sister's middle name, and her daughter's middle name as well. Joy was staying as her middle name. But what about her first name? Suddenly, my husband asked, "what about Maxine?" His great-grandmother was named Maxine. She was a sweet lady, with a lot of class, and more than a fair amount of spunk. I was still reeling from the gender reveal, but something about it just seemed right. We could call her Max. I was starting to really like it. I called my sister to ask her opinion. After talking it over for a little bit, she liked it too. Suddenly, it was all starting to feel very real. Not too much longer after that, we texted our families our choice of name. Maxine Joy. My husband's Grammy was just over the moon that we chose to name our daughter after her late mother. Maxine the elder never met any of her great-grandchildren. I was pregnant with our first child when she passed away. It still makes me a little misty to think of it. But now we could honor her by naming a child after her. It was definitely the right name for our little one.

Maxine is the feminine form of Maximus, or Maximillian. It means Great, or alternatively, Bright. She was now our Great Joy. Our Bright Joy. In the coming days and months, we had no idea just how much these names would mean to us.

On February 4th, 2019 our world was rocked. Even more so than when we found out we were having a girl, and not a boy. My obstetrician called with the results of the anatomy scan we had the previous week, and our Maxine Joy was diagnosed with a cleft lip. Later scans would reveal that her gums and palate were also cleft.

In the overwhelming grief that followed, I clung to her name. I grieved the pain and the surgeries that I knew she would have to endure. But I clung to her name. It hurt so badly to think of my child having to go through these pains and struggles. But no matter the struggles, she would be my Joy. When my mind threatened to think that having another child was a mistake because of her diagnosis, I made myself say her name. Maxine Joy. My Greatest Joy. My Brightest Joy. As I write this, she is now four months old. And I can see now even better than before, that she is my Joy. She has a strength about her that is inspiring. And I want to share her story and her strength with you. Maybe someday I will be as brave and strong as my tiny daughter.

-Sarah