The Hardest Part

I have been avoiding writing this post. The first several months of Maxine's life were the absolute hardest. In no small part because of the NAM (Nasal Alveolar Mold). I still do not how I got through it. I was pushing back the emotions and stress and trauma of it all. Stuffing those feelings down so I could do what I needed to do to get through each day. And writing this post means that I have to remember it all. I have to confront just how hard it was during those months.

We chose to use this orthodontic mold because it would help shape her gums and nose. And I would absolutely choose to use the NAM again. The benefits were incredible! The change in her cleft was almost beyond belief. She started with a 13mm gap in her gums, and by the time of her surgery, her gums were touching. The benefits of the NAM were undeniable.

But it is still one of the hardest things I have had to do. Every day, I removed the tape, and removed the NAM. I had to clean the NAM, but also clean out her mouth. I will spare you the nasty details about that part. Then I had to put denture adhesive onto the NAM, and tape the NAM back into her mouth. Every week I had to change the base tapes on her cheeks. No matter how much Vaseline I used, her cheeks would be red and inflamed. And her skin would usually rip in a couple of places. She really hated those weekly tape changes.

In addition to the daily cleanings, every 1-2 weeks her NAM was adjusted. If you have ever had braces, you can probably relate. Her whole mouth would hurt, and sometimes her gums would even develop sores. Even though she had a very mild personality as a baby, she was in pain. And she cried a lot after those adjustments.

Day after day, I had to change and clean her NAM. Day after day, I worried about her weight gain because she wasn't eating well because of the pain. I wanted it to be done. I was actually looking forward to her surgery so we could be done with the NAM. It was the most emotionally and physically exhausting 4 months of life. I was counting down the days for it to be over. And by the time it actually was over, she was out of the tiny infant stage. That wonderful stage of sleepy baby snuggles was taken over by the NAM. By the time the NAM was done, I had missed out on that stage.

Even with how hard it was, and how much I feel that I missed out on, I am glad that we chose to do the NAM. Her scar from her lip repair is barely even visible now. Because she went through the NAM protocol, her gums weren't straining at scar. The NAM was the hardest part of her infancy. And it was also one of the best medical decisions we made for her.

-Sarah